It’s been two months since Sunshine came into my life and I can finally say my life is starting to feel “normal” again… but it’s a new normal. I was sad at first. I missed my life. I missed sleeping in until noon. I missed being able to go out and grab dinner with friends whenever I wanted. I fought it and thought that somehow I could have my old life with this new little one that demanded all of my time. I couldn’t put her down, she needed to be rocked to sleep, she would wake up in the night when I would try to get work done. She wouldn’t eat, she was sick and she was trying to adjust to a new home. We were both in transition and we both had a hard time at first. As prepared as I thought I was, I wasn’t. No matter if you foster, adopt or birth a child, I don’t think you can ever fully be prepared for how it will change your life and I’ve come to the conclusion that is perfectly normal and healthy to grieve the loss of your old life. I don’t feel bad about it… that had been my life for all of my adult years. I walked around in a daze, my friends thought I was mad at them because I didn’t respond to calls or texts. I kind of remember conversations I had with people but sometimes I was so exhausted it took all my energy to smile, nod and look awake (sorry if you had a convo with me lately) :). My mom would ask me about something that was two days away and I couldn’t handle thinking that far ahead. My goal was to get through the day… that was all I could handle. I fell behind on my work and was slow responding to emails. I’m still trying to find a balance with work but I’m slowly getting caught up and back to normal.
Two months later and the fog is lifting. My smiles are real and the joy Sunshine brings into my life is priceless. I can have conversations and actually enjoy them! I can think ahead and make plans. I have baby sitters so I know if I need to go out for some adult time, I can. Every hard day was worth it. Seeing Sunshine grow and learn is the most amazing thing… and to be able to say I played a part in it is pretty much my biggest life accomplishment. To know I’m able to impact a life… wow! Now I get why people have more than one child. 🙂